The Ark and the Golden Hemorrhoids

When the Philistines captured the ark from the Israelites, the Lord destroyed their god Dagon and gave them hemorrhoids. The Philistines gathered all their lords and said, “What shall we do with the ark?” The lords answered, “Let it be carried to Gath.” However, when they carried it there the Lord afflicted the men of the city with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.

So they sent it to Ekron. And the Ekronites sent for the lords, saying, “Send away the ark to its own place!” because there was deadly destruction throughout the city. The men who didn’t die were afflicted with hemorrhoids, and the cry of the city went up to heaven. They called for the priests, saying, “What shall we do with the ark?” and the priests said, “If you send it away, make amends with a guilt offering and you’ll be healed.”

The people said, “What shall the guilt offering be?” And they answered, “Make golden images of your hemorrhoids and of your mice, (there was also a plague of mice), as a tribute to the god of Israel. Hitch two cows to a cart to carry the ark and your offerings. If the cart takes the road of the Israelites along the coast to Beth-shemesh, then the hemorrhoids are God’s doing, and if it goes the other way, then we were afflicted by chance.”

They laid the ark upon the cart, beside the box with the golden hemorrhoids and the golden mice, and the cows went straight along the highway to Beth-shemesh; they were mooing as they went. Then the Israelites who were reaping their wheat harvest in the valley lifted up their eyes and rejoiced to see the ark returned. The Levites laid the ark, the hemorrhoids and the mice on a large stone, and the people worshipped and offered burnt offerings to the Lord. And God killed them, as many as fifty thousand and seventy, because they looked into the ark.

— 1 Samuel 5:9